2010

Well, it's 2010!

A time for reflection and resolutions. I usually make ten, and this year was no different... Here are mine:

-Learn (or try) something new.

-Do 100 sets a day, as possible, until volleyball starts.

-Finish reading the Bible.

-Be a crazy Christian.

-Enjoy life more.

-Become a reader again.

-Dance more (learn to dance?).

-Be fearless.

-Memorize something for me.

(You may notice that's only nine... Well, I'm simply not going to write the tenth on here. I don't want the whole world to know.)

This year I did a little something new. I took my list of resolutions from last year and on the back I wrote stuff. A lot of stuff. All my regrets and hurts from last year; all the stuff I wanted to leave in 2009. I then took that list and burned it... Then scattered the ashes outside. All the while I said a quiet prayer. (All a risky business for someone as clumsy as I am! Don't worry though, I didn't burn the house down like I thought I would.) 2009 is gone and all the hurts with it. This year is a new year and a chance for a new me... A chance I'm going to try to take.

Last year I accomplished 70% of my goals (7 out of 10). This year I hope to accomplish them all, but my goal is at least 80%. Yes, I am weird enough to have two goals: a realistic one and a dreamy one. ha ha

Some of my hopes for the coming year might seem silly to others, but to me they all make sense. Which is all that matters. I don't care if other people don't understand them; I understand every word and that's all that matters. After all, they are my resolutions, not someone else's.

So, here's to a hopeful and prospective 2010. I hope that it's much better than last year... Carrying all the good moments I hope for and now with a new me, an improved me. This is looking good.

So, as a new year begins, my heart is happy and light. I'm satisfied. Things are renewed between me and God and I have a lot of joy going on. I love this feeling... I hope I love the year just as much.

Letters to a Lover

So... I write letters to my husband.

Or, future husband I guess.

It may seem weird... But I love doing it. I feel like it makes him so real. It personifies him... I feel like I know him. Like he's there, but... He's not... It's so hard to explain.

I don't really remember what prompted me to start writing these letters. Whatever it was, I'm thankful for it.. I'm so glad I write them.

I feel like he already has my heart. I already love him... I don't fully understand how that's possible, but it is. I almost feel like if I date someone else I'll be cheating on him... That's how real he seems to me. It's like I can see him, just not clearly. I can almost see his face in front of mine if I picture it; I feel like he's there in front of me, but some veil is separating us. I guess that veil is the fact that I've never met him. ha ha

So, I have letters. Letters that won't be read for some time... That doesn't matter to me though. I hold out hope they will be read someday. And that the man I marry will be happy to read them; that he'll be glad I chose to write them.

New Year, Old Year.

Today is New Year's Eve. Usually, I wait until later to think about resolutions, but there's one that I've already made... It will probably be the hardest one, but I guess it has to happen. For once, I'm going to take the advice that everyone gives me: I'm going to think of myself. Not them. Which sounds bad, but it makes sense to me.

I'm actually going to take the advice of my mother and friend that I haven't wanted to. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to take their advice, but I think it's necessary.

This will be my least favorite Resolution. I think that this year I'm going to free myself from all of the pain and complete suckishness of 2009. 2009 basically sucked. I want to leave that year of crap behind me and get on with my life.

Here's to either a lot better or a completely terrible 2010. Yippee.

Renew

Last night I kind of had a moment. I was starting to freak about... Well, a lot of stuff. Pretty much everything. It ended out well though... I renewed my relationship with God.

Now, I feel so much... lighter. Happier. I don't really know. Everything I see just reminds me of God and His love for me... It's amazing. The snow piling up outside makes me think of how He has cleansed my heart. Even better, songs just... I don't know.

I was listening to Forever (Chris Brown) and it just made things better. For some reason I had a different outlook on it. I felt like I was looking at it with God singing it to me. Which may sound weird, but I'm pretty weird.

So now I just have this image of me and God, dancing together. To some, this probably sounds creepy and weird. To me, it's a comfort. A promise.

Church.

Sometimes I just get so frustrated with churches and religion.

I feel like churches are the most clique-y places ever. We're supposed to be one body of believers, but instead it seems like a place where everyone just... I don't know. I can't really put my finger on it, but I just don't like churches sometimes.

And don't even get me started with religion... Sheesh. I love Christ, but I'm not so sure of the Christians. Again, I don't really know what it is... I just don't like the term "religion" or "Christian" all that much.

Questions, questions, questions...

Lately I've had so many questions running through my mind. None of them seem to have answers, and maybe I never CAN find answers for them. Nonetheless, they're there and they're furstrating the heck out of me.

I have such struggles with trust. It takes a really long time (in general) for someone to fully befriend me to the point where I trust them completely. And in general, once someone has lost my trust it's not often fully regained.

So, where do I draw the line? When do I know whether to stop trying to trust them that much again and realize it will never be the same? Is there such a time? When should I say no (something very hard for me to do) and when should I try to keep trucking through? I just don't know anymore. I just don't know. I don't even know what things are really there, things that legitimitely should hurt me, and what things I'm just being overly sensitive about. When do I put my foot down and so no, and when do I hold back and rethink things?

Oh, how I hate confusion and unanswerable questions. Oh, how I hate conflict. Oh, how I hate all of this.

School Dance

Last night was my first high school dance. Wonderful... and yet, not so wonderful.

I was having a complete and total blast. Dancing like a fool with everyone else in three inch heels (I'm amazed by what I can do in heels...). That is, until the slow dances came. I would dance with my gal friends, but it's not really the same thing. I had hoped that maybe a guy would ask me to dance, but no such luck. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Unfortunately, I did get my hopes up; which only made my night worse when nobody did. After awhile I became kind of a downer to my friends I think. I feel bad about that.

I guess when you have such high expectations about something, they usually can't live up to them...