2010

Well, it's 2010!

A time for reflection and resolutions. I usually make ten, and this year was no different... Here are mine:

-Learn (or try) something new.

-Do 100 sets a day, as possible, until volleyball starts.

-Finish reading the Bible.

-Be a crazy Christian.

-Enjoy life more.

-Become a reader again.

-Dance more (learn to dance?).

-Be fearless.

-Memorize something for me.

(You may notice that's only nine... Well, I'm simply not going to write the tenth on here. I don't want the whole world to know.)

This year I did a little something new. I took my list of resolutions from last year and on the back I wrote stuff. A lot of stuff. All my regrets and hurts from last year; all the stuff I wanted to leave in 2009. I then took that list and burned it... Then scattered the ashes outside. All the while I said a quiet prayer. (All a risky business for someone as clumsy as I am! Don't worry though, I didn't burn the house down like I thought I would.) 2009 is gone and all the hurts with it. This year is a new year and a chance for a new me... A chance I'm going to try to take.

Last year I accomplished 70% of my goals (7 out of 10). This year I hope to accomplish them all, but my goal is at least 80%. Yes, I am weird enough to have two goals: a realistic one and a dreamy one. ha ha

Some of my hopes for the coming year might seem silly to others, but to me they all make sense. Which is all that matters. I don't care if other people don't understand them; I understand every word and that's all that matters. After all, they are my resolutions, not someone else's.

So, here's to a hopeful and prospective 2010. I hope that it's much better than last year... Carrying all the good moments I hope for and now with a new me, an improved me. This is looking good.

So, as a new year begins, my heart is happy and light. I'm satisfied. Things are renewed between me and God and I have a lot of joy going on. I love this feeling... I hope I love the year just as much.

Letters to a Lover

So... I write letters to my husband.

Or, future husband I guess.

It may seem weird... But I love doing it. I feel like it makes him so real. It personifies him... I feel like I know him. Like he's there, but... He's not... It's so hard to explain.

I don't really remember what prompted me to start writing these letters. Whatever it was, I'm thankful for it.. I'm so glad I write them.

I feel like he already has my heart. I already love him... I don't fully understand how that's possible, but it is. I almost feel like if I date someone else I'll be cheating on him... That's how real he seems to me. It's like I can see him, just not clearly. I can almost see his face in front of mine if I picture it; I feel like he's there in front of me, but some veil is separating us. I guess that veil is the fact that I've never met him. ha ha

So, I have letters. Letters that won't be read for some time... That doesn't matter to me though. I hold out hope they will be read someday. And that the man I marry will be happy to read them; that he'll be glad I chose to write them.

New Year, Old Year.

Today is New Year's Eve. Usually, I wait until later to think about resolutions, but there's one that I've already made... It will probably be the hardest one, but I guess it has to happen. For once, I'm going to take the advice that everyone gives me: I'm going to think of myself. Not them. Which sounds bad, but it makes sense to me.

I'm actually going to take the advice of my mother and friend that I haven't wanted to. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to take their advice, but I think it's necessary.

This will be my least favorite Resolution. I think that this year I'm going to free myself from all of the pain and complete suckishness of 2009. 2009 basically sucked. I want to leave that year of crap behind me and get on with my life.

Here's to either a lot better or a completely terrible 2010. Yippee.

Renew

Last night I kind of had a moment. I was starting to freak about... Well, a lot of stuff. Pretty much everything. It ended out well though... I renewed my relationship with God.

Now, I feel so much... lighter. Happier. I don't really know. Everything I see just reminds me of God and His love for me... It's amazing. The snow piling up outside makes me think of how He has cleansed my heart. Even better, songs just... I don't know.

I was listening to Forever (Chris Brown) and it just made things better. For some reason I had a different outlook on it. I felt like I was looking at it with God singing it to me. Which may sound weird, but I'm pretty weird.

So now I just have this image of me and God, dancing together. To some, this probably sounds creepy and weird. To me, it's a comfort. A promise.

Church.

Sometimes I just get so frustrated with churches and religion.

I feel like churches are the most clique-y places ever. We're supposed to be one body of believers, but instead it seems like a place where everyone just... I don't know. I can't really put my finger on it, but I just don't like churches sometimes.

And don't even get me started with religion... Sheesh. I love Christ, but I'm not so sure of the Christians. Again, I don't really know what it is... I just don't like the term "religion" or "Christian" all that much.

Questions, questions, questions...

Lately I've had so many questions running through my mind. None of them seem to have answers, and maybe I never CAN find answers for them. Nonetheless, they're there and they're furstrating the heck out of me.

I have such struggles with trust. It takes a really long time (in general) for someone to fully befriend me to the point where I trust them completely. And in general, once someone has lost my trust it's not often fully regained.

So, where do I draw the line? When do I know whether to stop trying to trust them that much again and realize it will never be the same? Is there such a time? When should I say no (something very hard for me to do) and when should I try to keep trucking through? I just don't know anymore. I just don't know. I don't even know what things are really there, things that legitimitely should hurt me, and what things I'm just being overly sensitive about. When do I put my foot down and so no, and when do I hold back and rethink things?

Oh, how I hate confusion and unanswerable questions. Oh, how I hate conflict. Oh, how I hate all of this.

School Dance

Last night was my first high school dance. Wonderful... and yet, not so wonderful.

I was having a complete and total blast. Dancing like a fool with everyone else in three inch heels (I'm amazed by what I can do in heels...). That is, until the slow dances came. I would dance with my gal friends, but it's not really the same thing. I had hoped that maybe a guy would ask me to dance, but no such luck. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Unfortunately, I did get my hopes up; which only made my night worse when nobody did. After awhile I became kind of a downer to my friends I think. I feel bad about that.

I guess when you have such high expectations about something, they usually can't live up to them...

New Perspective

Winning isn't always a victory, and losing isn't always a defeat.

...just some words of wisdom to remember. A new perspective to see.
(learned from the old T.V. show "Doogie Howser, M.D.")

Sometimes....

Lately I have been so frustrated. I can't seem to tell if it's just me being overly sensitive for some reason or if what I see and feel is actually legit. Especially with friends. I feel like I'm being left out with everyone and that I don't belong anywhere... I have someone I can talk to for the most part, but no one I can REALLY REALLY honestly TALK to about things like I used to.

I just don't know what to do. I want things to go back to normal... whatever 'normal' is.

Star of Bethlehem

http://bethlehemstar.net/

I haven't actually had the time to look at the site yet, but I watched a video thing about the guy who put it together at youth group last night and it was amazing. So I thought I'd put up the site address.

God is truly amazing.

Abortion.

http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Abortion%20is%20Murder/horror_of_abortion.htm

Lately, abortion has been no my mind a lot. Set off by the status update of one of my friends. It is such a sad thing to me. For some reason, abortion just really gets to me. Which is good, I guess. Above is a link to a website about abortion... As a warning, it contains some graphic details and pictures.

It's very touching, but might be hard to view. It was for me, that's for sure. By the end of the site, I was bawling like, well, a baby. I think it was good to read though and I would encourage others to read it as well; especially people who might be pro-choice.

Anyway. Just thought I"d put the link up, it's a good one.

*Pro-Life Forever*

Social Experiments

So, I have some pretty out-there ideas.

I like to observe. People, mostly. I love people-watching: I find it so interesting to see what people do, basically; and think about why they do what they do. Maybe it's the psychologist in me coming out.

I also have a lot of random ideas. I really would love to fake a teenage pregnancy. Not for the attention, that's not it at all. I want to do it to see what people who have this happen to them go through, to see how people will react. Especially since I go to a Christian school. I would find it fascinating... I don't think I could do it though for fear of the wrath of my classmates. Once I'm done, I don't want them to think I did it for the attention. I don't think many, if any, of the students would understand why I'd want to do it.

Tonight I was also thinking about sitting at a bus stop. Not just that, but let's keep moving for a little while. Awhile ago during class we were reading a story for devos. It was about a woman who handed cards to others, proclaiming Jesus. I would love to do something similar. I would love to just sit at a bus stop in the cities and wait for people to come along. Strike up a conversation, hand them a card. See where God takes it from there. Who knows if this dream will ever come true either... But hey, a girl can fantasize.