Love

Love this song!

c-town

I've grown up in this small town. It's almost all I remember. And I've always felt safe... I guess in the back of my mind there has been the thought that somewhere something bad must happen here. But I never really thought anything serious would happen or that it would be a frequent occurrence.

This week, though... Things changed. And I can't stop thinking about it.

First I hear that a younglife leader and long-time member as the same church as me was accused of sexually abusing a teen and has now been arrested. He has a wife and three children, and I used to be friends with his daughter.

Then today and my way to church I see three police cars outside of a restaurant. When I leave church I see yellow tape everywhere... Turns out three people were stabbed and the culprit is still missing.

It's made me realize that everywhere you go, there is going to be hurt. Pain. Wrong-doing. Mistakes. Accidents. You can't avoid it, even if you're from a small town where it doesn't often happen. Sin has been brought into this world and it spread like wildfire. There is no avoiding it...

And my heart breaks.

I hate knowing that there are so many people out there hurting. So many people who have been abused or murdered or otherwise hurt. so many people who know people who have had this done to them. That there are so many people out there doing these things. And we all have to deal with the repercussions of it; at some point I think we will all come into contact with some similar situation.

My heart breaks for this.

So... Today I got someone else's perspective. I learned something totally new.

And I don't feel bad about what I did anymore. It really wasn't my fault. And I'm done blaming myself, I'm done feeling bad, I'm done taking the guilt they deserve to have onto myself.

It really wasn't my fault.

Are you blind? Can't you see? It may be hard on you, but it's just as hard as me.

August 12th, 2010

August 12th, 2010 has probably been the hardest day of my life thus far.

Why?

That day I had to say good-bye to 45 people whom I had spent the last 6 1/2 weeks with. 45 people who had become more than friends, but who had become a family to me. A family that I could share anything with, a family that I loved dearly, a family that had seen me at my utter worst and loved me anyway. Loved me for me. A family I was totally myself around; a family that brought out the real me. And a family I had to say good-bye to.

Whenever I tell people about it, they always say they "understand" and that frustrates me because, honestly, no they don't. Unless you went through what I went through, you just can't understand it. It's such a unique experience and a unique bond... I mean, I didn't know the last names of half the people on the team until I found them on Facebook afterwords. Yet, I could share with them anything.

So, August 12th was a bad day for me. It's always hard to say good-bye, but it makes it harder when you know you might never see them again.

To quote Coldplay: "Nobody said it was easy... No one every said it would be this hard."

Unfair!

I was just reading the latest blog entry of one of the people I follow online....

http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

There it is. The one I was reading is called "just in case you were getting too comfortable."

Wow... I can't help but cry for those girls. For those girls and for the utter unfairness that life holds. I just want to reach out and help her, help them all, help the whole world-- but, of course, that's impossible.

This isn't a rare occurrence with me. I'm often frustrated by the fact that I just can't help. That I'm only 15, my resources are completely limited, and knowing that even if I was 30 and had millions of dollars I still couldn't help the entire world. No one person can completely decimate hunger, poverty, etc... Not even a group of people can. It's just not possible. That's life. And that frustrates the heck out of me because all I want to do is help people, help everyone... And I can't.

But I hear God whispering that I can help at least one; some day, somehow. And that will make all the difference.

EuroQuest 2010

As I've mentioned before, I spent the majority of my summer in a foreign country... Or countries, rather. In June, I drove to Illinois and met with 45 other people that I had previously not known and that I was to spend the next 6 1/2 weeks with. We had a grueling week or so on a hayfield in Illinois to train us for our summer away that included waking up at 5:30, having 3-5 minutes to get ready, obstacle courses, being hot and sweaty, no showers for 5 days, living with strangers, etc. It was definitely extremely hard, perhaps the hardest week of my life, but looking back it was good for us-- extremely good. After that, we drove to Chicago airport and flew to London.

In London we stayed at a church (Trinity at Bowes). The people there showed us so much hospitality! They fed us amazingly, all the time. We had a couple tea parties as well as meals after services, etc. and there was always so much food! So much good food. It probably did not help the whole fat-American stereotype, but we couldn't help ourselves. But I digress... Their hospitality really blessed us, but yet they said that we blessed them. They went on and on about how much we blessed them and we hardly even did anything with them-- which was really cool. We also went into the city and did surveys to people-- asking them questions about their beliefs, etc. which helped lead into a conversation about Christ. London is definitely a very lost place, as I soon saw. People would allow us to do the survey, but the second we tried to talk about God they would literally walk away or else retract into this shell and not want to discuss it... It was hard to see, as well as frustrating.

Next we headed off to Germany, spending one night in Luxembourg on our way. We did one performance in an amphitheatre at the campsite we were staying at, and a few in this cute little town called Rothenburg a little ways away. It was hard because a lot of people only spoke German, so there was a definite language barrier. Thankfully, two or three people on the team knew German pretty well and so at least they had some good conversations with people. Germany was a really beautiful country, which surprised me; I never thought Germany was all that pretty. It definitely was!

After Germany we went to Prague, Czech Republic. The architecture there was gorgeous! Sooo beautiful. But the people were so lost... And so turned off from God. We had our first run-in (of several) with the police here-- and the worst. Thankfully, we got through one performance just fine. Then, half-way through another, the police drove up to us, inches away from me, came out of the car and started pulling one of the drama performers away (a guy named James, who was a d-group leader.. Thankfully not a student). Our team leader, Curtis, quickly came up and tried to remedy the situation. They said we were a "disturbance" and had to pay a fine. So we payed the fine, but we're guessing the money was just kept by the officers. The experience was frustrating; we couldn't finish the performance (which was one of the hardest ones for drama and one that never went well... This time it had been going perfect, so we were so frustrated to be interrupted!) and by that time most of the people that had watched had walked away so we couldn't talk to them about it. But God still worked that day, and taught us a good lesson. God did something totally great for me while I was in Prague! Everyone else went on about how they had been shut down by everyone and how people had been so unresponsive... But everyone I talked to was really open and received my message well and was genuinely interested! Which was cool because this was the first time I really did surveys... Before this, I had been too scared and held back. It was a big step for me just to go with people who were doing the survey... But here I totally just went out and talked to people and God totally did something amazing with that.

Our next destination was Poland. Krakow, Poland. The thing I most remember about Krakow is the slugs... They. Were. Everywhere. It was terrible! I never thought slugs were that bad, but they are when they are crawling all over everything. While we were in Poland, we traveled to Auschwitz and Auschwitz-Birkenau. Which was really tough... But it was a good experience I guess. It was sort of awkward because I was the only one crying... But... I couldn't help it. Looking back, it sort of frustrates me how the others acted. Some people seemed like they didn't even care, some didn't seem phased at all afterwards, etc. I guess it's hard because we sort of had to jump right back into normal life, as we went shopping in the city right afterwards, but it just seemed like people weren't effected that much. They probably were, I guess, but they didn't seem like it. Anyway... The concentration camps were pretty different. The first one, Auschwitz, was pretty small. It mostly consisted of buildings where the people stayed and barbed wire fencing and guard buildings. The rooms had been converted into sort of museums, showing what happened to the people, etc. and had a lot of artifacts; hair, shoes, brushes, glasses, baggage, etc. There was also this dungeon-ish area they took us into where people were tortured. They showed us cells and these little places where groups of people were crammed into and forced to stand for days on end, and some suffocated due to lack of oxygen. There was this smell down there... A smell of death and of decay. I don't know if it was just from being underground and wetness, or a smell still lingering from the deaths that occurred there. We also went into a gas chamber-- very bare and depressing. The second camp, Birkenau, was extremely desolate. It was just empty and had an air of despair. It was much, much larger than the first camp. We were informed that the roads we walked on most likely had human ashes from the people mixed in, which was... Gross to hear. Gross and sad. All the occurred in those places is just so disgusting... Ugh. I don't know how something like that could have actually happened, it's crazy.

After Poland we went to Austria. Man, if I thought the slugs in Poland were bad it was nothing compared to Austria. One or two actually worked their way into our tent... Onto our sleeping bags and pillows. Ew. And every time I woke up in the night, there was always (no joke) a slug on the outside of the tent right next to my face. Nasty... I kept salt in my backpack for the sole purpose of killing the slugs and used it liberally and without mercy! Anyway... We were shut down again in Vienna. (There was another time in Poland I believe... Forgot to mention that.) The third time, and a frustrating thing. It's hard to get told to stop right in the middle of a performance and be driven away and have to do something new, but I think it was good for us to rely on God to lead us in new directions. We did get two shows in before we had to stop, so that was good... After one, I had a good conversation with two girls who were Christians. It was very encouraging as I had not yet spoken to any Christians. They were really happy to see us as well, so I'm glad we could encourage them also. They were really sweet and I'm glad I got to talk to them. Vienna, the city, was not as pretty as I expected it to be... There were some gorgeous spots, but I expected more out of it. So that was a little disappointing... But oh well. I was there for God, not for the sights!

Next we headed out to Croatia. It was soooo gorgeous! Our campsite was right on a beach on the Adriatic Sea. One day we got to go swimming and the water was pretty much perfect for swimming... And it was extremely clear and beautiful. The beach consisted of rocks, not sand, which I didn't like so much, but it was fine. I kept a couple rocks-- not sure if you're supposed to, but I did. We got the opportunity to just chill with the other people at the campsite-- we started up some games (basketball, soccer, etc.) and played with the people, which was really fun. I played soccer and had a blast! I haven't played in so long... I had so much fun that I would probably have joined soccer at school this year if it wasn't for my arch. We also did a performance at an amphitheatre that was there and quite a few people showed up. Again, a lot of people didn't speak English and so we didn't have a lot of good conversations. The balloon animal makers were completely overwhelmed, as many children were there and wanted some. When we were done performing, we watched the stunning sunset... It was beautiful. God really is an artist and he is an amazing one. We also got to perform in the city, right next to a temple that was built about 3 A.D. which was incredible. To think that people from Jesus' time walked in there... People that might have even met Jesus! Crazy.

All too soon we left Pula, Croatia and headed out for Italy. Plans changed a little, so we went to Verona instead of Milan-- I was extremely happy with the change! I've wanted to go to Verona for a few years now and was absolutely stoked the entire ride. We got to see Juliet's balcony and I (and several others) wrote letters to Juliet. We couldn't find the place to put them, however, so we ended up putting them in a random wall outside the city. We had to really book it while we were shopping because we only had like four hours in the city and we weren't coming back. So that was a little frustrating, but it was okay. I got pizza and it was absolutely delicious. We didn't perform in Italy and soon we were heading back to the campsite. We got there with a lot of time, so we swam in Lake Garda... Which was an amazing experience. The water was a little chilly, but it was similar to Minnesota lakes so I was a lot better off than most people who weren't used to cold water. It was so cool, though, because there were mountains right next to the Lake. Plus, it was in Italy! Totally amazing and I wish I could have gotten a picture-- the place was sooo beautiful. Some swans came out of seemingly nowhere and swam with us as well, so that was cool. But then we had to go back to camp, way too soon, and then the next morning we were on our way to Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland.

There aren't even words to describe the beauty of Switzerland. It is so extremely breathtaking there... I can't even put it into words and pictures don't even begin to capture it. This place was our sort of "spiritual retreat" and a place to rest up a bit. What a perfect place... God was so evident there and I easily felt His presence. On August 1st we went to a graveyard and, after a talk Curtis had, got to bury some stuff. It felt so good to let go of all this stuff that I had been holding onto, and it's nice to remember that they're buried there when Satan tries to bring them up. The next day, I had an unforgettable experience... Hiking the Swiss Alps. I woke up around 5:45 and by probably 6:15 or 6:30 we were on our way. We took a gondola to a town called Murren, partway up the mountain, then hiked all the way to the top of Schilthorn (the name of the mountain) then all the way back down. It was an extremely tolling experience. The way up was physically tiring, but the way down was just painful. The top should have had an amazing view, but clouds rolled in and blocked it. As we neared the top, the hike was pretty dangerous... You could have died pretty easily. In fact, I almost did when my foot slipped on some stairs! But we all made it safely to the top and rested and got some hot cocoa at a rotating restaurant (where a James Bond movie was filmed at). Then we headed back down... So painful. My arch was killing me, I twisted my ankle (on the opposite foot, of course), my knees were hurting from walking downhill, and my hips were popping out constantly which was really painful. I was waddling for the next two or three days from my hips and they still aren't right-- they don't hurt, but they're just different. So it was an interesting experience... I don't think I'd do it again, but I'm glad to be able to say I've done it.

Next we went to Paris. It was awesome because we did worship right in the middle of the campground and people would walk by and listen and see what we were doing and stand and watch... We also invited people over and got to talk to them afterwards. Well, I didn't, but others did. So that was really awesome. We went into Paris and did our last performances, which was a little sad. I talked to one woman, named Chloe, who really touched my heart. I'm not sure why, but I've felt a burden for her ever since... I wish I would have gone over and talked to her again because she hung around after I talked to her and then said good-bye... Alas, I didn't and now I'm regretting it. But our performances went well. We also went out and did more surveys, but I just... I felt like I couldn't talk. Like I literally couldn't go talk to people. It was so weird... And so so frustrating because I wanted to so much. But oh well. The next day we did some sight-seeing and shopping... I got crepes and a panini and it was delicious! When we met up again we went to the Eiffel Tower (it's not as pretty in real life) and circled around the Arc de Triumph 12 times in the coach. It was fun, but crazy!

After the couple days in Paris, we headed back to London for debriefing. We had 6 days there I believe. Mostly we hung out, did devos, memorized our butts off and had debriefing sessions where we talked about what it would be like to go home and what to expect. It was a bit of a depressing time because we all knew that in a few days we would have to go home and say good-bye. But we had a blast together!We got to go into London a couple times and sight-see... We saw the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace. Well, I couldn't see anything... But I was there. And it was stressful, with all the crowds and jostling... Ugh. We saw a lot of other things as well, and went on the London Eye. The next day we went in d-groups and explored the city. I went to Abbey Road first, then from there we went to a couple art museums, the Globe Theatre, did some shopping, got fish and chips, went to this awesome frozen yogurt place called Snog and overall just had a great time. All too soon the period of debriefing was over and we were packing up and heading to the airport to leave for Chicago and home. That day was probably the hardest day of my life... Saying good-bye to everyone was extremely hard. We had all gone through so so much together and we shared a bond that I'll never share with anyone else. We don't know each other's last names or pretty much anything about anyone's life, but none of that matters... We had spent a summer together and had seen each other at our absolute worst. It's the strangest and closest bond I've ever had... And I have it with 45 people. I miss them all so much... So so much.

So, being back has been so hard. And so weird. It's weird to be able to shower every day, or whenever I want... And to have choices... And to not have a schedule... And to be free to do pretty much what I want... And to not be going everywhere... To not have people constantly around me... To sleep in a bed, not a sleeping bag... And so many other things. Adjusting to the time change has been difficult and I'm still not completely there yet. And it's just been hard. I feel like no one understands me or what happened to me this summer, which is probably true. All I want to do is talk to the other people who were with me... Because, well, they understand. Like I said, we have that bond. And people back home just don't understand. So it's been really really hard... And it's going to be. Plain and simple. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be away from my family of 46, I don't want to be going back to this life, but I have to. So that sucks, but... It's how life has to be. I guess it's shown me that I have to rely on God-- He's been there with me all my life, all this summer, and He's still there. Even though I can't be with my other EQ family members, God is still with me. Even while I'm feeling completely alone, I'm not because He's there. And He loves me!

God is good!

God is seriously SO GOOD.

This trip has taught me that... Well, mostly yesterday. Nearly getting arrested and having to do an entirely different ministry-- and it ended up GREAT.

And something else happened... Something so amazing.

Wow, God is good.

Prague!

I'm in Prague right now!

I only have a couple more minutes to write, but wanted to give a quick update.

So... We nearly got arrested today. We were in the square, performing, and the police came and tried to take someone away. They would have, too, but we payed a fine and they left after a lot of hassle and anger. But God really provided-- we made it through one show and half of another before they came. Police are everywhere here though!

The rest of the day went AMAZINGLY. God really provided and showed up q uite evidently in my life today... So cool.

That's all for now! This trip has been fantastic, I love it!

Um...

Um... So...

I just realized I'm going to Europe this summer.

I'm going to be in a foreign country with a bunch of strangers for five weeks.

.....what have I gotten myself into?

I feel a panic attack coming on...

Flexibility

On Friday I leave for Illinois, then Europe.

Wow-- Craziness.

Anyway... In between that time and now, I have a lot of shopping, packing and preparing to do. And I've done a lot of panicking... Of course.

I'm having a lot of worries about how much stuff I'm bringing. All of my stuff has to fit into a bag they give us when we get to training camp, in Illinois (where I will be leaving for on Friday). And it all has to weigh under 50 pounds... Problem is, until I get to training camp it's all in a cardboard box. So I have no idea if it's going to all fit and whether or not it's going to be in the weight proximity allotted. (Yes, you can weigh it... But our scale is broken, so we have no way of doing so.) So, I have done a lot of worrying over that... I was sharing my worries with my mom as she tried to guess how much it all weighed by picking up the box. She told me to just stop worrying and be more flexible-- just as she's been telling me for the past few weeks. She then went on to give me a lecture about how you need to be flexible and willing to roll with the punches on trips like these and that's what they expect out of you.

Well, maybe this is another thing I should have asked people to pray about... I'm not so good with taking things as they come. I like to have a structured plan and stick to it.

So... This should be interesting.

Wake Up!

Sometimes a good wake-up call is really necessary. Friends are the best way to get those wake-up calls...

I tend to get really panicked over things. Little or big, it doesn't much matter-- I can get equally upset over either. And then I can only see one thing: all the bad things. I am pretty much incapable of seeing anything good. Or I see the good things, but they don't fully process as my mind pushes them away to be replaced with every bad thing that could be imagined. Not my best trait...

So a good slap in the face is necessary on occasion. It's too bad they can't be physical slaps, as that might make more of an impact... But word-slaps can do a good score for me.

So I recently had an encounter where a "word-slap" came into play. Thank you Lord, for giving me a friend who is not afraid to stand up to me and tell me I'm being an ungrateful bitch. (Or just ungrateful...)

So, I am awakened and am ready to crawl out of the hole of self-pity I've been wallowing in. It's time to thank God for amazing opportunities and trust him with the rest!

Obsessed?

Okay... Sooo... I think I have this problem.

I think I have this obsession.

With smelling good.

No joke... I'm like obsessed. I just realized it. I have about 10 deodorants, over 15 perfumes, about 10 lotions, etc. And I use them; a lot. When I'm home, I put deodorant on like five times a day and randomly spray myself with perfume or body splash and put on lotion. And I'm like religious with bathing... And I wash myself like three times, with nice-smelling soaps...

So.... I'm not sure what's going on with this, but I think I'm nearing the point where you could say I'm obsessed or that I have a problem. Or maybe I'm already at that point...

I'm very curious as to why I have this need to smell good. I wonder if there is a reason... Like if something in my past is making me do it... Or like some weird thing in my brain. Hm... Or maybe I just like smelling nice? Who knows. Oh well...

Hopefully I don't smell overwhelming. That'd be bad... But people don't plug their noses around me, so I don't think I'm there yet! Maybe one day... Hopefully not.

But if the obsession continues.... Maybe I'll end up like that guy in England who died because he wanted to smell nice and put on too much deodorant in a poorly-ventilated room! Let's hope not...

aw :)

People who say the sweetest things right when you need to hear them and unexpectedly.... They are the best.

Last night I had an encounter with one of these people and it totally made my day! Some people are so full of surprises. I love it :)

So... Last night was a good night. And a good day. Gotta love best friends :)

...and the irony of it all is that the person who wants the most to be loved and have friends ends up alone.

Gone With the Wind

Gone With the Wind: probably my new favorite book.

Margaret Mitchell is a phenomenal author! At least, she crafted this particular book amazingly.

Each of the 900-some pages held charm and magic... All the characters seemed so real! They were all so well-developed and held such realistic qualities... They all had flaws their flaws. Except, seemingly, for Melanie. Oh wonderful Melanie... How amazing she was! She is my new hero. I wish I could be more like her... But I've already blogged about that.

The thing that gets me the most is how realistic it all is. Nothing goes perfectly. In fact, everything seems to go wrong. Worlds come crashing down and lives are ruined, torn apart, lost. And it's not necessarily a happy ending...

But in life there are no guarantees.

Kudos, Margaret. Gone With the Wind had me crying, screaming, laughing... Everything. Every emotion that life holds seems to be in that book... Love it. Love it love it love it!

Masks

Every morning, the same routine.

Wake up and prepare for the day. Prepare for the act that is life. Every minute is spent rehearsing lines and putting on heavy amounts of makeup. Every minute is another minute closer to another performance. She must get into character so well that she can't possibly break that character while on stage.

But truth is, once she steps off that stage, once the lights stop shining and she goes home... She can break character. And she does. Once nobody is around to see her fall, everything comes off. The mask slips down and unveils the real person behind the character. The living flesh-and-blood behind it all... The emotions that are kept on the surface in order to act, stay on the surface at home. And flood the surface, spilling down on pillows and blankets as she cries herself to sleep...

Because honestly, she's a terrible liar. But a phenomenal actress.

California

Right about now I really want to move out to California. Or anywhere, really. Just somewhere far away. Which is part of the reason I'm excited for college- I can leave Cambridge behind and my life there.

I just really feel like starting anew... I want to just get away and start over. Become a new person- make new friends, create a new life, do what I want to do, just be. I'm tired of life here and all the drama and hurt and pain... I know I'll find that wherever I go, but I can at least try. At least for a little while things can be different, a little less hurtful.

I don't know why, but sometimes I just really feel like leaving. Running out on everyone and cutting all ties from home. Just... Disappearing from my life here in Minnesota. Move somewhere new and start my life over.

Maybe one day I can do that... Hopefully one day soon.

My word!

Okay, I just have some venting I need to do about guys.

They are just JERKS! Seriously, my experience with them so far has no evidence against that. My word, sometimes I just want to scream at them!

I sit and watch as they break a girl's heart. I see them play with a girl's emotions like they're some sort of toy! They ask people out on dares, or bet on them while playing basketball. Are they all really this heartless?!

I mean, I believe that my husband is out there and he doesn't act like that. At least he won't when he's with me. But is he like the only one who is like that?!

I'm just sick of guys and their antics.

Hurting

I hate pain. Both emotional and physical and not only in myself, but much more in others.

I really hate seeing people hurting. I hate to see people distressed and fatigued and barely pulling through life. It hurts me when I see people hurt. Sometimes I'll stay up late into the night, crying and praying over those that are hurting and in need of help. My heart literally hurts and goes out to those in trouble...

I wish I could help the world. I want to make that pain go away... Or at least soothe it. I wish people knew I would always be there for them. Even if I don't like them, or we're not friends, even if we barely speak or have never spoken. Honestly, I don't care; I just want to help them. I want to take away all the pain, hurt, sadness, anger, etc. in the world. Desperately.

Wonderful

Lately, I've been looking to Jesus for more than religion. I've been looking to Him for comfort, friendship, love. Instead of seeing Him as a God, I see Him as more of a friend. He wants to help me with everything and I've been trying to see that more. To see that He is the only friend that will be in my life forever, who will never leave me or hurt me. The only best friend who will never let me down, like the other people in my life always do and will. To see him also as the lover I've longed for so many times and for so long. He is the lover of my soul and I want to see Him as that. So much of my time I have spent wanting to be loved, wanting to have a boyfriend. A guy who loves me so much and a guy to love. Since nobody else seems to want that with me, I've been seeing Christ as that person. I've been searching His being for that love. And he is, of course, also the only being that will never leave me. He is like... the ultimate boyfriend. And I have Him!

It's kind of a crazy thought, but I've been getting there. I've been seeing Him more and more as such. Which is amazing... Seeing Him intimately is really too amazing to describe. I literally sit there and talk to God! He doesn't always say a whole lot back, but I like it. It's not like prayer, it's just like talking to a friend. I tell Him about me (as if He doesn't already know everything), I tell Him how amazing He is... We just talk. And the little things He does for me... They put me more and more in awe of Him.

Life with God is truly wonderful.

Utterly speechless!

"I don't know what I did to deserve someone like this in my life: getting a cat stuck out of a tree, being nice to my siblings, or whatever deed it was. All I know is that I'm glad it happened, because I couldn't, nor would I want to, picture my life without my best friend. My hero. My Bella. Hello, world."

Those words literally left me speechless. That is the most special thing I have heard in a LONG time! My word! This is the first time in a very long time that I have been literally speechless! I'm surprised I'm not crying my eyes out.

Thank you my dear Danielley.

Gone With the Wind

Okay, just some things I want to say.

First of all, pretty sure that Ashley Wilkes is my soulmate. I wish he were real and I wish he was my age! And went to my school! And was in love with me! Who needs Edward Cullen? He's gross. I want Ashley Wilkes, all the way.... Who cares if he has a girl name? It sounds masculine after you get used to reading it with him. haha :) But seriously, he's my fictional counterpart. He loves reading, writing, is gentlemanly, has a Southern accent, writes poems, etc... Basically, he's amazing.

I also am amazed by Melanie Wilkes (his wife)... She is AMAZING. Seriously... She always sees the best in people, she's courageous, she's sweet, she's innocent, she's motherly, she's strong... My favorite thing about her is that she sees the best in everyone and in every situation. I really admire that. I really want to be like that... I hate that now I always analyze things and don't trust people and stuff. I wish I could be like Melly and think that everyone is always doing right and that they're all great people. I wish I could be as innocent and naive as her. I wish I could always be seeing the good things. I really do! Oh, Melly. I wish I was like you! So caring and kind and loving and innocent and sweet and honest and good... I'm jealous. haha

Hello World!

Hello World!

My new little life-saying thingy.

It helps me stay sane. It helps remind me that the world is to be explored, that life is an adventure. Life is for living. Hello World reminds me to embrace the world and everything that happens in my life; the good and the bad. When bad things happen, Hello World reminds me to accept them. To grieve for a little, but quickly move on and let life come back into me. It reminds me to take joy in all the little things (which I already do, but forget to do sometimes).

I don't want to be the kind of person who has something bad happen to them and just sits on their butt and cries and is useless. Who doesn't want to do anything because their "life is over." The kind of person who gets too caught up in the past and forgets to notice what's going on around them and to think about the hopeful future. I want to be the kind of person who follows Dr. Seuss's advice- "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I want to be the kind of person who still looks at the others around them and is concerned with them, even when they are hurting.

Hello World reminds me of all this and more. So...

Hello World!

"A picture's worth a thousand words."

True in so many ways. And, as a friend pointed out to me, you can often find patterns in photographs. In the photographs people take. It can tell you a lot... If you just think about it and notice the patterns. Too bad those patterns can be pretty discouraging.

Something that stuck out to me...

"Have you ever felt like when you talked to someone it's like everything you say to them goes in one ear and out the other?

When you want to tell them the most exciting news in the world and they just bring the entire conversation back to themselves?

When you would describe their attempts as, "Pathetic?"

When you think that you would rather listen to anything else than their current obsession?

When someone asks you who they are, and you can't descibe them like how you used to?

When they let things go too far.

When they seem blind to everything around them, unless it's a mirror.




When they're gone.
Forever."

(quoted from dmay-untouchable.blogspot.com)

3.

1 or 2.

3.

3.

Maybe things just don't add up...

To All the Guys Out There:

Maybe I don't have the perfect body; I don't have the right butt, big boobs, rock-hard abs, long legs, or whatever else you want. Maybe my face isn't the right shape for you, or my eyes are too small or the wrong color. Maybe I don't have long, flirty eyelashes. Maybe my lips are thin and unkissable. Maybe my hair is out of place, or not cut right, or I have split ends, or I was too lazy to do something with it. Maybe my clothes don't always match perfectly, or I don't look nice in them.

Maybe I don't throw myself at you. Maybe I don't wear low-cut, see-through shirts and short skirts. Maybe I don't flirt shamelessly with you because maybe I don't know how. Maybe I don't find it necessary to have a guy at all times. Maybe I'm okay with having guys as just friends. Maybe I don't assume that every guy likes me.

Maybe you don't think I'm date-able. Maybe you don't think I'm good enough for you. Maybe you think I'm the little-sister-type. Maybe you don't think I have feelings. Maybe I'm unlovable. Maybe you're intimidated.

Maybe I respect myself. Maybe I don't want to sleep around and I want to save myself for my husband. Maybe I have high standards and you simply don't fit them because you're not good enough. Maybe I know I'm worth better. Maybe I'm mature enough to not need a boyfriend. Maybe I have my priorities straight. Maybe you're not good enough for me. Maybe I think I'm worth something more.

Maybe that means that I don't let you grab my butt. Maybe that means I don't touch yours. Maybe that means I don't feel the need to seduce you. Maybe that means I don't let you treat me like a harlot. Maybe that means I'm waiting to find a guy who respects me. Maybe you need the physical side to a relationship, but maybe I don't. Maybe that means you shouldn't check me out. Maybe I respect you enough not to tempt you.

Maybe I realize that God has someone out there specifically designed for me. Maybe I realize my husband is out there. Maybe I want to save myself fully for him. Maybe I'd rather wait for him than deal with you.

Maybe I'm not like other girls.

Tenth Avenue North

What can I say? This band rocks my socks. Truly ah-maz-ing. I've been listening to them a lot lately and have been falling more and more in love with their music. Seriously, some of their songs are so perfect. My favorite song by them? Beloved. It's probably because God speaks to me so much through that song. And it ties in with a lot of things... Let's just say, I've been learning how to realize that I'm beloved.

Just some of the ones I've been listening to lately. Check them out, maybe they'll amaze you like they did me.

EuroQuest

Today in chapel at school we had some new speakers come talk to us... And I was completely moved.

They were talking about a missions trip organization called (I think) Royal Ministries. (Here's a link for you: http://www.reignministries.org/royal-servants check it out!) They just pretty much talked about what they were doing, the places they went, etc... Just basic information. The entire time I would randomly hear "go" repeated in my mind.

Now, add to that this:

Last week was spiritual emphasis week at school and I heard a lot about being brave... The seniors said that's what God told them to say about me and I heard it myself. To be brave and step out of what I find comfortable to do what God wants...

Exactly what they were talking about.

So, I was pretty much wowed. I'm pretty sure God's calling me to do this and I'm amazed! And terrified! My main hesitation is that I'll be with a bunch of strangers who could very well have along their own friends. What if I'm rejected or don't really find anyone to hang out with? I don't want to be alone.

But I still feel like I should go. It would be stepping out of my comfort zone BIG TIME and I'd probably be scared to death, but if it's what God wants me to do...

Which brings me to another point. While I was sitting here thinking about it, I got a little panicked. I realized I'd be gone for (I think) 6.5 weeks. 48 days I believe. That's wayyyyyy longer than the week I've been gone for camp or mission's trips, which is with people I know and love! To be gone like 7 times as long with a bunch of people I've never seen before? SCARY! So I was thinking about all that and freaking out, thinking about how I'd be so far from home for so long and worrying that I'd get homesick, etc... And I heard God say something along the lines of "Home is with Me. Home is in your heart." WOW!

So... I'm definitely going to bring this up with my parents. And do a ton of praying and thinking and probably worrying. If I could go, that'd be so amazing! 48 days in several countries across Europe, including Paris (where I've always wanted to go)?? As well as (I believe) going to Auschwitz, where I've also always wanted to go?? (Not sure if they're going there, but it said in the brochure something about doing that on a previous trip, so maybe...)

Unbelievable.

Wow, God.

I just really needed to say that again.

Lord, I really am completely amazed by you... I want to soak in this forever.

2010 years ago, Jesus changed the world. Turns out, he's still doing it to this day. And I feel it.

Spiritual Emphasis Week.

WOW. That's about all I have to say.

God has really been working through people this week... Everyone. I feel like almost everyone has had something to say or has heard God speak to them and it's been really neat. I know He's talked to me a lot this week and it has been truly amazing. I can't wait to see what God has in store. I really hope that some people are just completely changed by this week.

Some things I've heard spoken to me... Either that I've heard myself or that other people have told me.

-To talk to someone.

-To be brave for Him.

-I am beautiful.

-I am intelligent.

-I am HIS.

-I am a lovely lover.

-Something with nature... I have yet to discover what, and am very excited to do so.

It has been so crazy-good for me. I can't wait for the retreat thing next week and I hope there will be even more crazy-great God times with Him moving in people and (hopefully!) in me. I feel like this week my love for people and helping them has really been strengthened.

Again, wow. This week has just been... Wow.

Connected.

So there's this guy. A guy I just so happened to like for eight years (no longer, though... I've liked two other guys since him and those few are the only ones so far)... Anyway, that's not what's important.

I don't know what it is... But I feel like my heart is still linked with his. Not in a romantic way, I don't feel like that towards him anymore. But in some other sort of way. I don't know. I mean, it's kind of really hard to explain. But I was thinking about it during church tonight... I looked at him and just felt grieved. Over the fact that we're no longer friends, we no longer talk, that I miss being his friend. I don't know. He could make such a huge difference if he put his mind to it, I know it. He has so much potential stored within him. And maybe that's why my heart cries out to him.

I've tried to connect with him again, but he doesn't seem too interested. And I don't see him much, just on Sundays and Wednesdays if we both happen to be there.

I can't put my finger on it yet, but... I still feel like something might happen between us. Maybe our friendship will be rekindled, maybe God has a plan, maybe maybe maybe. I hope. For now, I'll be in the dark and confused, with my heart crying over him.

Dream

Last night.... I had this totally amazing dream. I was getting married. Literally, right in the process of it.
I was walking down the aisle... Towards this wonderful man... Surprisingly, if I remember correctly he was the tall dark and handsome type; I've never really pictured myself with that kind of guy. Hey, not complaining though ;) Anyway. And we were in a castle, with nobody else. I'm not sure if there was literally nobody there, or if love just had me blinded to everyone but him... Either way, we were completely alone.
And my wedding dress! Oh my word! It was GORGEOUS. Plain white, no adornments at all... A long train... Sort of pulled across the front (I like to use the word fooshed)... In the back it plunged down and the opening had straps that pulled across, sort of like shoelaces in a shoe... Strapless... And so beautiful. I actually looked gorgeous in it (I never look gorgeous!)!
And let me tell you, I was positively BEAMING. It literally looked like I was subtly glowing with light... I was that happy.
That dream made me so happy... I can't wait for when that day comes.

What God gave me is just fine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mq86e4Fhja0&feature=channel

AMAZING song. Love it.

And so true... Which is exactly why I love it so much. Working on getting that message pounded into my head.... :)

Bare

I just realized something tonight. There is a time when I tend to feel closer to God... More loved by him... That feeling where you can totally FEEL that He is actually real, actually there, and He actually cares.

When is this time? When I'm at my "worst." That time of night when all the makeup (which I've started to slowly wear more and more of) comes off, the hair goes back, the comfy pajamas (with the torn up sweat pant bottoms and huge top) come on... When all my "flaws" are showing, I look terrible... I have this like connection to God at this time.

Maybe I inwardly realize at times like these that God loves me, He accepts me, even when I'm at my worst. That He loves it when I take all my outward adornment off and become comfortable with Him. I want that all the time. I want to be comfortable with God, at all times.

So, maybe for awhile I go without makeup. Without worrying over what clothes make me look good. I'll just have some time to be comfortable and bare with God... Even if it means everyone else thinks I look terrible.

Because maybe I don't care what they think.

Eee!!

I'M AN AUNT!!!

Dream House

I was thinking about what kind of things I want in a dream house...

To begin with, I have always wanted a library. A cozy little room a bit detached with a fireplace and tons of books and windows. Maybe with a glass roof, or part of the roof glass. And the windows would have little window seats, and the curtains could be pulled across so that you're off in your own little room... Oh my word, that would be amazing.

I also want a salt water aquarium. Somewhat big. With a few cool fish and seahorses. I really want seahorses! Though I would settle for a large normal aquarium I guess. Or, maybe both. A freshwater and saltwater aquarium, in different rooms.

The house itself would be kind of detached from society. Not too far away, but far enough that there aren't people ten feet away.

And, of course, my husband and three kids (a boy and two girls) are around as well. :) And our two dogs. Fortinbras, a black and white English Springer Spaniel, and a Golden Retriever.

I doubt I'll ever get this perfect house, but... A girl can dream.

HOT

Everyone has things that, if a person of the opposite sex does, makes their heart melt. Major turn-ons or whatever. Well, here are a couple of mine!

When a guy worships. Holy smokes. If I can see them totally getting into worship... They practically have me if they want me! It shows me they love God and it also earns my respect. So my heart pretty much melts.

When a guy wears a purity ring. It shows me that they want people to know they want to be pure. I think that's amazing. A lot of people think that only girls can wear purity rings... SO not true! I love it when I see a guy wearing one! Even though I've only seen like two. But it totally made me notice them!

Those are two of my biggest attractions in guys. And they are so major to me! haha... And if they're really super cute that's just icing on the cake. Love it.

Beauty

I just had a realization.

God made us. Crafted every bit of us... He labored over everything, down to our eyelashes, to make something He thinks is perfect and beautiful and wonderful in every way. Something "fearfully and wonderfully made."

Yet so many people (me included) go around dissing that. Saying how ugly we (or others) are and wishing we had this kind of nose or that color hair or whatever it is.

To God, that's like... Saying that his masterpiece is junk. It would be like someone drawing something they are so completely proud of, something they think is perfect and so so so so so good... Then someone else coming along and saying it looks horrible and it's garbage, that it's useless and ugly. Then another and another coming along and saying the same thing.

That must suck for God, huh? Wow... I'm sorry, God!

Best Thing

On a winter retreat I recently went on, I really reconnected with God. It was a really emotional time for me. Every time we worshiped I would find myself crying, overcome with the love God has for me. And I just worshiped my heart out. It was already something I love doing.

One night I got all bundled up in my snow gear and found a picnic table to lie on. I brushed some snow off and did so... Then just looked up at the stars and had a talk with God. Ohhhhhh my word. It was amazing.

I've always been intrigued by the stars, always found them so beautiful and so amazing. Then there's this video/lecture called Indescribable by Louis Gigleo or someone that gives you a totally new view of stars and completely blows your mind. So I just sat there, amazed by it all. After awhile, I started to just talk to God. To tell Him what I was thinking and all that. There were some amazing moments. In my head the song Lord I'm Amazed by You kept playing over and over... And it's true, so true. I'm utterly amazed by God and that night I was even more amazed. I kept trying to figured out why in the world God would love ME... And never came to a conclusion. But I know that He does and I guess that's enough for me.

One of the most touching moment was when I was looking up at all the stars and for some reason one stood out in particular... And, even better, all the other stars blacked out. It turned into a black sky with a single star shining bright... I don't know how to describe my feelings about it, it's kind of complicated. But in my head it all makes sense and it really encouraged me.

"Lord, I'm amazed by you.

...And how you love me."

Lover

Today I stumbled upon a realization. One that might sound weird to a lot of people... Especially non-Christians, but a lot of Christians probably as well. Sometimes it even sounds a little odd to me...

I want to be wooed by Jesus. I always hear that whole "Christianity is a relationship, not a religion" thing and... I want to take that literally. I want to be drawn closer to Christ... and maybe seeing Him as more of a lover of my heart will also help me get over my craving for being in a relationship.

So there it is. My thoughts on how I want to see Jesus now... I've mostly gotten the Father part down, but now I want to see Him as a lover. A lover of my soul.

Abortion

Lately I have been sooo thoughtful of abortion. I don't know why. I've always hated it, but lately I've been giving it so much more thought. I really want to take a stand against it... I'm not sure how to do that, but I want to.

So, I'm trying to find ways... So far my only idea is to make a video about it. (Which won't turn out well... I don't have very good computer or video-making skills. Oh well.)

So yeah.. Just wanted to get that out there.

http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Abortion%20is%20Murder/horror_of_abortion.htm

I think I've posted this link before, I've probably also talked about abortion before. But I'll put it again.

*That website is pretty graphic, just a warning. If you can handle it, it's really good. Very eye-opening... And had me bawling (not too difficult a task though). I'd recommend you check it out.

Cake

I was thinking about that saying about having your cake and eating it too. If I think about it, I find it a bit nonsensical.

Who wants to just have a piece of cake as well as eat one? Why would you want a piece of cake that you aren't going to eat? Pointless... Unless it means that you have like never-ending cake. So, you could eat that piece and any piece after that and it just keeps coming. That'd be awesome and I'd totally understand. Then I think I'd want to have my cake and eat it too! Who wouldn't??

Anywho. That was just some random ramblings I was thinking about and thought I'd get out.